lovenlaughter2 HELP! HEEELLPPP! I'M TRAPPED IN AN ENGLISH MANOR HOUSE AND CAN'T GET OUT! HAhahaha..... Everyone's worse nightmare, Chris. That beveled mirror on your dresser secretly conceals a hidden camera and your Uncle has been watching you DO IT all these years! :-0 Serious business, now. This one was easy to rate, especially as I'd already read this part at your web site some time ago and seen it in its full interactive glory. And alright, sorry. This is what I have to say. For an interactive media piece it's delightful. Great fun and innovative. Second person is not only well done, but *essential*. How else can it be? But, as straight prose...um...hmm... Okay, I'm hedging. Here's why. For a straight story in 2nd person I think you're going to have to REALLY beef up your description of the "you" character. With interactive, you don't need to; it's touch and go, all the way through, just you and them and the keyboard. Print or pixel to eye (without the enhancements), I think we need to see substantially MORE about what each side of the equation is doing. For example, when we hold for British Airways, what do we do? Tell us! "You hold." is very dry, not enough, methinks. "You hold," counting the cracks on your ceiling, twilling the pen in your mouth. Reader manipulation? Maybe, but I think something similar will need to be added (and padded in) for this to completely work--again as strict prose, which is, anyhow, not what you intended. My very best wishes for your eventual success!

LWSmith You know, this works for me. I'm still in my robe, cup of coffee in my hand. Perhaps it's my experience on the stage, but this works. In short order I was moving to the couch and reading, then listening. As to pacing I'm of two minds, well, three, actually. I think I understand why it's written like this. It's interactive literature, probably the shape of things to come. Mind two: Refusal of the Call to adventure is an important early phase of the Mythic Journey. Usually it is not a preponderance of evidence that forces the adventurer to walk the path. Usually, that first impetous comes externally. Forces work to propel the sojourner onto the path. And a door closes behind them. In true adventure, there's no turning back. The hero finds himself on the road, an orphan. This signifies a normal response to danger--avoidance. The Mythic Journey is as much about learning to make choices as it is confronting your fears. In this case the 'orphan' is confronted with the death of his stranger-benifactor-relative. Is it enough to start the journey? I have doubts. I think you need something that will for sure shove me out of my comfortable existance. A thought; you've introduced mystery, but you only intimated danger. LeRoy

catwoman Hi Chris. I visited the website to give me a better idea of what you hope to do, but only looked at Chapter One so I can address this opening as an editor might. This was a very "easy read" in that there are intriguing plot developments, polished writing and good forward movement. The plot points (we mystery people pay lots of attention to those) are these: 1. mysterious letter 2. personal investment in letter 3. questioning the veracity 4. investigating Hanover 5. making contact and learning of the death 6. deciding to act All of those points are reasonably believable and interesting. What did not interest me, however, was the YOU character. This character is not and cannot be "me." If you were writing a script for a game, this would work. But this is presented as a novel, and though you want to add a new dimension with the graphics and interactive episodes, I think the work should first and foremost read more like a novel and less like a script. So, the main character can be YOU, the author. That doesn't mean that you must change the POV from second to first. But I believe it is your job as the author to convince me that the YOU character is real. Please allow me to suspend my disbelief by placing me in the scene with all senses engaged. By skipping the first step in Vogler's Writer's Journey, I believe you have lost an opportunity to grab your reader and place them in the story. The first stage, is of course The Ordinary World. Where do you live, what do you want and what's stopping you? An adept writer can answer these questions in as little as a paragraph, so I am not asking you to fill up the first page with backstory. And, this information can be easily woven in as the plot points are unfolding. Because this seems to be a combination script/novel/game then I think paying close attention to Vogler's steps would be of huge benefit. But for me, if you are presenting this as more a novel than anything, character cannot be sacrificed for story or technique or structure. And characters live and breathe and eat and feel and smell and touch in ways unique to their past experience and present circumstance. If YOU comes alive, I think Chris, you've got all the tools to make this work. You are a talented and no doubt brilliant guy. And like I said, if this is of no value, critique-wise, then stab that delete button quick!!