kinthu Beautiful hook. You've got me wanting more. For me the piece didn't quite equal Monty Python, so I can only hope it deteriorates further on? The thumbnail sketches of the servants were masterful, especially the bit about the doorman's uniforms spread out on display. Put me in mind of Japanese art kimonos. The only thing that bothered me was "you." I understand what you're doing here; I tried once to write in second person myself, and it's a tough road to travel. That said, I didn't get any feel for what the "you" character was like. No glance in the mirror for a physical description, no hint of how this person is wired together internally. Not even gender. Except for a sense of independence (s/he told nobody of the quandary, even minimized the trip) and that s/he worries a trifle too much for others' opinions, I got little "sense" of him/her as a person. I finished the piece with very little empathy for the character. Being a Romancer, this is a must-have in my book, or I simply don't care what trials & tribulations s/he faces. If I don't care, I don't finish the book. The other thing that troubled is that when MC (Main Character) finally opens the letter under the wax seal, there is no huge and shocking revelation. It was redundant except for the fact that Lord Hanover had had him/her investigated, which lacked the punch so cryptic a message should have. All in all, though, I liked the piece. But I'm something of a cyber idiot, the kind for whom the "For Dummies" series was invented. That betokens my lack of imagination more than Manor House's lack of quality. A few pleasant twists & turns are apparently set up in this introduction to the piece, and I liked speculating. Nitpicks first: "Then tore off raucously on her motorcycle." This seems a bit erudite for a care hire employee - suggest a different word than raucously. "architectural styles -- -- from medieval and Plantagenet..." They wouldn't use Plantagenet, it's a family nickname, not an architectural term. They'd use Perpendicular. "You know," an inner voice said..." how about "says" – you're in present tense here so stick with it. "8:45 AM flight out of Kennedy Airport, and notified Browns of your late-afternoon arrival." Suggest changing this to past rather than past perfect; show us real-time.

devondailen Well, Chris, this piece reaffirms what I've suspected about you all along: you're an incurable trendsetter/rule breaker. That said, I have the notion that some day, when you find the right publishing partner (willing to take some risks), you'll be a millionaire. This piece is a lot like "Goosebumps" for adults and the sheer originality of it made me want to read more. Addressing some of the issues you have mentioned: 2nd person POV: I think this aspect is vital to the overall appeal of this piece, since IMO, it would not be nearly as interesting if it were written in either first or third person. Does it work? At times. There were instances where it was distracting. I found myself frequently asking "would I do that?" as I read, almost daring myself to act/think in contradiction to what you've written. I found this especially true when the sentence was written in imperative (whether this is intended or not. Ex: "Smile and think,...). Info dump: Only you know if all the details you've included are truly necessary, but I found myself wondering if I needed as much info as you've provided. Do we need to know the specifics about the kitchen staff, winery and on-site pub just yet? Internal dialogue: Due to the fact that the piece is written in 2nd person, I felt it was definitely appropriate. Anyone receiving news such as this (which one could only dream of-sigh!), would go through some serious mental gymnastics before making a decision. Sharing that thought process is a vital part of making this piece believable. Characters/action: I can sense something big is coming, and that's all I need to keep reading. Chris, I wish you the very best on this project and can see it potentially launching a spectacular career (a--gulp--series?!). It's one of the most unique and innovative pieces I've read. Tighten up some of the sentence structure and you've got a major hit!

maxekeele Okay. Here's the thing. This is an extraordinary piece that promises even more to come. Very well written--as I would have expected--very tight, very sophisticated. BUT, and this "but" was a big old but, I just can't seem to get past the "Myst-Thirteenth Whatever that Was" feel. Second person is a POV with unique difficulties, but I suspect it tempts every writer that ever lived. You pull it off well mechanically, and manage to create a tension I didn't think would be possible given the POV and the necessary info-dumpage, but still, it just FEELS like a computer game. I found myself wanting to make different choices. I wanted to question the conservators a bit more closely. I wanted to hire private detectives. I wanted to shout "Hello Sailor." (In case you aren't quite as old and moldy as I, that is a reference to the very first interactive game, Zork). I do not think a traditional novel will sustain 2nd person present tense through an action sequence. It will, I fear, be an imposition of will. I will resist. I will want to respond to "You smack the butler with the wrench" with "No I did not!" I think "Bright Lights" worked largely because the POV character had no more will of his own, and very little memory of what was being told him. Manor House is very different. Now, as an interactive novel-slash-game, I think this is has awesome possibilities. It would certainly be one of the very first literate examples of the interactive genre. I hear the sound of groundbreaking. Max