foxfire CR, I read the printout, then I went to your website and re-experienced the story there. I had looked at it before and was blown away by it then. The concept is wonderful and entertaining. I can't imagine how much work you put in to get all those bells and whistles working. It's like a toy and a novel all in one. The second person present tense did draw me into the story as you intended. The danger with second person is the reader keeps saying, "Who, me?" In this story it didn't bother me - I was involved and actually thinking in terms of my own family and wondering what secrets they might be keeping. I got a little stopped and confused with the discussion of relations. Why half brother? Why not full brother? Families get broken up from time to time. And why not great-uncle, since he's certainly old enough (assuming your involved reader isn't 50-ish.)I can appreciate your not wanting to be specific about background, though, allowing the reader to fill in his/her own. I like it that you are intentionally vague on where "you" is living and as to gender and description, letting the reader slide into the seat you provided. Another concern - If this is a long book, it might demand more commitment from the average reader than he/she is willing to give. I find it wearying to sit in front of the computer for hours at a time and squint at the screen, even though I have a large, good quality monitor. I know people who don't mind, though, and will play complex, intellectually demanding computer games into the night. Those same people would be your target market. Congratulations for creating a brilliant piece of work!

katedonovan I read this on your website and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's bright, witty, innovative and just plain fun. It provides a reader with a chance for escape, along with an opportunity to become part of something grand and mysterious. The fact that it's written in second person adds a wonderful dimension to it, even on the second reading. You took the right approach on this, creating an intelligent, articulate "Everyman" with a reputation for being "gifted.". By doing this, your reader is all too happy to "be" this person for a while. Second person can only work if the reactions of the actor have a genuine feel to them, yet still offer some unpredictability. This is part of the genius of your story - that the main character behaves in a way any reader can identify with, yet also makes us smile. He examines the envelope to see if it's some elaborate sweepstakes-style advertisement - sure, that's what we'd all eventually do, but when he did it, it made me smile and nod. And again when he thinks: If this is a hoax, someone has gone to a lot of trouble. Yes, that's a simple, natural reaction, but you've phrased it so well, we end up feeling rather proud of ourselves. (I wouldn't underestimate that aspect in terms of being reviewed on this site - your readers are also writers, so we're very particular about someone else phrasing "our" lines. But you pulled that part off too.) I didn't completely feel as though I was the main character, though. Despite your excellent job of keeping the excerpt free of male/female terminology, etc, I found myself thinking that the main character was a guy. It must be the phrasing of the note - even though it is addressed to "my child" not "my nephew," it feels like a letter an uncle would write to a nephew (or a father to a son, as the case may be). The tone is formal for obvious reasons, but if written to a long-lost daughter/niece, it might have had a touch more affection in the tone. Maybe it's the word "inheritor" also, which could of course refer to a male or a female, but has a male ring to it. I'm not suggesting you change this - just pointing it out. It's probably impossible to make a second-person story 100% gender neutral, so you're better off erring on the side of making it too masculine. My guess is that women readers tend to be more flexible, less threatened, in regard to such things. I had more, but ran out of room, so I'lll just say: Great work.