SOCCER GRANDAD By Chris Mathison (2005)

   Right now most of our friends are booking their retirement cruises. But five years ago, my wife and I were blessed with our first child. So here I am, into my 60s, PTA guy, kiddie chauffeur, event organizer and, inevitably, Soccer Dad. Better make that, demographically speaking, Soccer Granddad.

    This puts me smack in the middle of the so-called "Generation-X" parental circle. Many news magazines have profiled these parents, mainly in a disparaging way. Some have speculated that this may be the most self-absorbed, overstressed generation of moms and dads ever. Thus I was especially looking forward to this soccer season in order to check out my younger peers. I wanted to see if all this bad press is really deserved.

    So one bright winter morning I cruised down to the local church to sign up my daughter for soccer. While waiting, I perused the league handbook and loved what I saw: participation and sportsmanship are the prime values. Every girl gets equal playing time; no bad parental conduct will be tolerated.

    From the get-go, the games themselves were a wonder to behold. Action-packed and wildly unpredictable--they revved the excitement way, way up among players and spectators alike. Everybody followed the handbook religiously as we cheered like crazy for both sides.

    And the matches enabled lively social interaction as well. During time-outs, the other dads and I tried to outdo one another dreaming up tongue-in-cheek "protests" to a fantasy "league commissioner." To wit:

    A lot these teams have got twins who are star players. How come we didn't get a set? It's not fair--we can't tell if they are illegally substituting.

    Oh my, look at that-we're completely 'out-bowed' here. All those cute hair ribbons the other team is wearing are totally distracting our players. They're now demanding them, too!

    Every kid on our team wanted the hot pink uniforms but all we got was dark blue. So how was that decided anyway?

    Sure, steroids and growth enhancers aren't an issue here. But would you just look at those gourmet snacks the other team is munching on? We're sure it gives them a boost. This league needs a standardized treat policy!

    Instead of acting like the obnoxious, berating parents Time, Newsweek and other publications have made them out to be, it seems that these dads were into a bit of self-parody.

    I found I liked this bunch. For young people, they were surprisingly hip.

    After our opening game, I got a brainstorm. I may be a bald head but I'm also a web head. I administer about 25 domains and can throw up a new site in less than two hours. Since my daughter's extended family lives in Tokyo, I reasoned there had to be a lot of other grandparents out there who likewise can't get to the games but are dying to know how the lights of their lives are doing each week.

    Generally speaking, folks my age want to know who won, who scored, who stood out. Back in my my youth, I covered Japanese baseball for Asian publications. I found that my old sports reporting urges had reignited.

    So I decided to go big time, pull out all the stops. I pulled an all-nighter.

    On Easter Sunday parents from both teams awoke to an e-mail notification containing a link. They flocked to our new Blue Angels soccer site, and lo and behold found complete game coverage: recaps, pictorial highlights, stats, masthead, logo--the sports section works!

    Then they started forwarding the link to family and friends, who in turn bombarded me with e-mails expressing wild enthusiasm.

   But then at the season's mid-point, a parent complained about (gasp) the presence of individual and team stats on the site, and I was summoned to the church offices.

    And while it wasn't exactly the Spanish Inquisition, it did feel like some kind of surreal, revisionist House Subcommittee on Un-American Activities.

    A thirtysomething woman opened the proceedings.

    "It's been reported to us that you've published game results, individual and team stats. You must know that we are not about keeping score, reporting who won, or calling attention to who starred in the game."

    "Yes, we don't want to emphasize competition in any way," a male colleague chimed in.

    "Let me guess, " I ventured, "you're worried about girls who aren't featured. That it might harm their fragile self-esteem."

    "Exactly," they replied in unison.

    "But they don't digest this site. They can't read."

    "Well, some moms are disturbed."

    I sighed, it seemed at last I'd come face to face with the dreaded attitudes the magazines had pilloried: a belief system that wraps youngsters in a cocoon shielding them from most forms of competition; the conviction that all kids are equally "entitled" to praise and recognition for everything they do--even if they don't do anything.

    Entitled kids. Entitled adolescents. Entitled adults. I ranted how I'm worried that this could be a recipe for disaster about a generation from now --when the bubble bursts and our youth are eaten alive by tough, disciplined, tested peers from China, India, Russia and elsewhere. Worse, there likely won't be any low-level job alternatives; the immigrants will have snagged all of those.

    Blank stares. Deaf ears. I might as well have been speaking in tongues.


    I'm no child psychologist, but I've hosted or attended enough kiddie sporting events, theme parties, play dates, etc. to state authoritatively that most 4/5-year-olds prefer competitive games--with outcomes, recognition and rewards. It's just the way kids are. And always have been.

    And there's no point in lying to them, as some parents nowadays are wont to do when asked by their kids who won. ("Nobody, dear, it was a tie.") Many of these girls from different teams attend the same pre-school or kindergarten. On Mondays, the first thing they hear is something akin to "Snakes Rule! Angels Drool!" as soon as they walk in.

    Like I said, I'm no child psychologist, but I've read enough of the respected ones to grasp that many of the key issues in character development and confidence building are fundamentally addressed at precisely this age. If you remove the crucial lessons that sports can teach, then all you're left with is a bunch of cute kids loosely engaged in playground activity, signifying nothing.

    Sad to say, this brand of pointless yet politically correct soccer seemed appropriate for this particular committee. Team standings? Sorry, not interested. Earned recognition? No way.

    After several in-church meetings, the committee finally got back in touch. They wanted me to continue the site but sanitize its content: remove photos of individual standouts, team and player stats, and of course the most heretical section of all: league standings with won-loss records. I told them to have a nice day.

    Back home, I called the AD at another church to find out how they handle these issues. Happily, I found I was speaking with a fellow old-timer.

    "Oh, you don't know how bad it's gotten," he confided. "Every year we give out trophies to the top teams and medals to all others who participated. But last year the moms on the last-place team secretly bought all their kids trophies--bigger, brassier, shinier--and then jumped up in the middle of the ceremony and presented them."

    This reminded me of what the news articles had to say about the Big Exception in the entitlement manifesto: namely, their own kids. They are, by definition, "entitled" to a great deal more: attention from teachers and coaches, the front row in class pictures or recitals, placement on All-Star teams, and all other perks they can negotiate or demand.

    Thankfully, none of the parents I met on the sidelines were like that.

    Then there are the over achieving, bullying parents who go to the opposite extreme: take sports far too seriously, over emphasize winning, pressure kids unnecessarily, want only the best players in the game, and often exhibit atrocious behavior toward coaches, opponents and officials on and off the field.

    Thank goodness, too, there were no sightings of that species, either.

    So I started checking in with friends around the country and found to my dismay that both the anti-competition crowd and the bullying bunch are infecting youth sports everywhere, while nearly everyone else feels disgusted and powerless.

    I can just picture some of these parents a generation later when they're my age. With their shell-shocked progeny back on their doorsteps, the coddlers will collectively wail, "What were we thinking!?" While the bullies will shrug, "Sorry, kids, we couldn't fix this one."

    Despite the rude awakening, though, this season was well worth the effort, for it led to an epiphany for my own daughter that I'm not sure would have otherwise occurred.

    Robin had noted the strong improvement of one of her teammates, who had emerged as a star in the season's second half. She wanted to know how come her friend was now so good. (For all she knew, it might have been a wish upon a star.)

    I explained that this was not magic but instead the result of determination and hard work, namely the extra practice the other girl had taken with her father. I offered her the same opportunity, pointing out that striving is usually the only way you get better at stuff in life.

    Robin thought a long time and finally said, "So it's always my choice, right?"

    Then she went off in search of her practice ball.

    At the conclusion of the season, in which our team came all the way back from an 0-3 start, Robin observed, "Daddy, we went from a bad team to a good team and I helped, right?"

    I told her there are no bad teams, just teams that are striving to get better, and will improve as members learn more about how to play as a team focused on winning--just like her fabulous Blue Angels eventually did.

    In youth sports, if you don't keep track, don't keep score, don't care about results, don't set goals, don't measure performance, and don't consciously try to improve in order to win, then I don't think you can so easily get to moments like these with your child.

    The folks in charge nowadays have got it right about sportsmanship and participation, most particularly by granting girls of all ages leagues of their own. But many have gotten it wrong concerning competition and character development. We need to meld the wisdom of several generations now parenting and restore the balance.